Surviving Conflict

We fight. Conflict is inevitable, yet it is something we fear, run from, become frustrated at, and engage in it so often, there are mediators and therapists waiting to earn a dollar on them. So what is all the fuss about?

It’s the way we fuss. How we handle the dirty grimy fussing that causes all the extra fussing in the end. Let’s break it down and become competent communicators. Or what I like to call, a fussin’ fool.

When you start an argument or you feel one is coming right at you, don’t run away or allow anxiety to set in. You are always in control of your mindset, your emotions, as long as you prepare in advance and practice a few things first. The S-TLC steps are important guide lines I learned in college to get me through any conflict that comes my way.

1. S-Stop. When a conflict arises, stop everything. Take a few moments to grasp the situation. Put the breaks on anger, stress, and emotion. Every conflict is a chance to learn something, so try to see it a positive growth situation.

2. T-Think. While your conflict partner is screaming, hollering, or just nagging, think about everything happening in that exact moment. What are they doing? Is there any body language that gives you a tip how they are feeling? Absorb everything you can. Think ahead about what you are going to say. Plan your tone of voice. My personal tip: the softer you speak, the quieter they have to become in order to hear you!

3. L-Listen. Not only do you listen to their words, but read between the lines. Play the psychiatrist here. What is the meaning behind what they are arguing about? Do they jump from one topic to another? Are they bringing up the past? These are all clues to the issues you will have to address. My tip: If it is in the past, keep it there. Guilt trips are for losers, if you did not handle the situation back then, right now is certainly not the time. Move forward!

4. C-Communicate. You have a choice here. Either communicate back with your thoughts, ideas, and solutions right then if you are ready, or you can shelve it until you both have time to work out a few options. Try to collaborate, not compromise. When you compromise, someone is still giving up something they truly desire, just to make the other person happy. When you collaborate, you both dream up a new solution that gives you everything you want. It is easier said than done sometimes, but if your partner can think outside the box and isn’t stubborn, this is a win-win solution.

If all else fails during conflicts, a mediator or arbitrator can be sought after. This can be costly, and hopefully your negotiating skills are sharp. Some people just won’t follow the rules when it comes to conflict. Don’t be that person, be the better person who sees the situation for what it is. A chance to learn, to grow, and come out of it a winner.